Eating my Emotions

I've been eating emotionally lately.

I'm still tracking everything that goes in my mouth. I'm still counting my points, but I'm emotionally eating.

Life has been rough and because of that....

Yesterday I ate 60 WWpp. That is 33 points over my daily limit.

33 points!

I think that's the first time I've gone over that much in one day on this journey so far.

Thankfully Weight Watchers gives members an extra 45 points for the week, so I'm actually still on program. I haven't fallen off the wagon, so it's weird that I feel like I have.

I will admit I'm scared going forward though. Although I still get my 37 points for each day, I only have a few WW weekly points remaining and my stomach seems like a bottomless pit lately. The last few weeks I have always gone over my daily target and used my weekly points to cover the difference. It's been working fine (and totally allowed) that way, but lately I seem to be getting hungrier and hungrier.  I never feel full and for the last two days all I have wanted is comfort food. Add the fact that a few days ago I  ate four low fat cookies (for 3pp) but ate them so mindlessly, that I swore I still had one left when I didn't.  I feel like I'm in trouble.

I feel like I'm one french fry away from seriously falling off the wagon.

I can't let that happen though. I will not let that happen. I plan to go no where near a french fry, even if they do smell so darn good.  I will not let my emotions get the best of me. NOT. THIS. TIME. Even if life throws me hardships so heartbreaking that all I want to do is stuff my face with poutine and ice cream, I will not let my emotions sabotage my best efforts. I have worked too hard the last 3 months to get where I am today.

So my plan for the remainder of the week is to stay within my 37 points a day and get in three days of exercise. By working out, I'll gain more points which I can then use as needed. I'm going to try my best though not to use them. I think being more strict than normal is needed right now.

HUNGRY!

I didn't have enough protein today and I paid for it. I just couldn't get satisfied. I'm still hungry if I'm being honest. This is after two pieces of WW bread with peanut butter and honey and two pieces of raisin toast with honey AND a bunch of mini red potatoes... I know....so not nutritious at all, but I didn't feel like cooking and I was craving toast and potatoes so deal with it!

I ended up using some of my weekly points which I really didn't want to do. Those points were suppose to be for saturday's thanksgiving dinner. Oops!!!! Not good at all.  Luckily my Mother is cooking thanksgiving this year and she's also on WW, so hopefully the dinner will not be too horrible in the calories department. Fingers crossed anyway!

My plan (to help ward off those pesky calories) is to go for a run tomorrow night although it looks like it is suppose to rain. If it does, I'll find some type of exercise to do indoors . I have a stationary bike in my basement after all! Saturday before dinner I plan to workout some more and then sunday I have a run planned with my friend. I'm hoping with the added exercise and if I can stay within my points (and not have a night like tonight) I'll be okay and finally be able to say that I lost 20 pounds. I really want to be able to tell you that!

So it looks like this week is not off to a great start being hungry all the time, but hopefully that will change. Must eat more protein!!!!!  Must plan meals better!!!! Must lose one pound!!!!

Do I really Want it?

Learning to run has reminded me that if I set my mind to something, I can do it. Through determination, will and drive I can accomplish any goal I set for myself. Nine weeks ago running 5K seemed impossible, but  it was my goal I set for myself and I did it. I plan to do it again today as well. Week 9, run 2,  here I come. So now why the hell is it that when I set a weight loss goal, I can't have the same success? I've reached every goal I've set for myself in recent years. Move out on my own, landing a job that I wanted and love, bought a house on my own, graduated from university etc..etc..., but this damn weight loss goal I just can't seem to tackle.

I tried to 'Dr. Phil' think a bit tonight and ask myself...is being fat working for me? It must be in some regards because I'm not changing. I don't have that drive, determination or will to huncker down and calorie count and loss this freak'in weight once and for all. As I thought more and more I came to realize that perhaps my weight has become my security blanket. If I truly begin to shed the pounds and separate myself from my 'blanket" I'm valnerable  to possibilities that perhaps scare me. I'm not going to get into details, but I'm sure you get what I mean.

I'm confident in many aspects of my life. I'm smart and successful, but when it comes to weight loss, I'm a failure. I feel like I'm not strong enough to getter done. With that being said though, I know I have begun to make positive changes in my life and people are noticing. People have even called me an inspiration. Me! An inspiration. HA! That is shocking! It does feel good though to hear coworkers say they thought of me as they went out for a run and said, if Sonya can do it, so can I. The scale may not say I've lost weight lately, but many had asked if I have. I look in the mirror and I see a smaller self. My stomach is less bloated, my arms don't have as large of "wings" as they use to, and my legs look stronger. Of course I wish my double 'no neck' days were behind me, but here's hoping with my continued running and veggie diet it will come with time.

I'm not going to lie though, I do get frustrated. Here I am running 3 times a week, and eating a vegetarian diet where I've had more veggies in the last 3 months than probably in the last 3 years, but still I'm not losing weight.  I guess that's what you get when you don't buckle down.  I do admit lately I enjoyed french fries and ice cream perhaps too much. These are my two tried and true coping foods, and when our dog died, you can bet I had them A LOT! I wish I could say I've found a new coping strategy to deal with stress/anger/sadness, but I guess I haven't. I know I'm still not ready to calorie count or count points again though so I shouldn't be surprised by the scale results. Afterall, you can't have your cake and eat it too but of course this is where I get frustrated yet again. I say I want to lose this weight, so why the hell do I still make those bad food choices? Gurrrrrrr. When will I learn? When will I finally believe I can do it and that I'm worth it?

Howdy Folks!

It's been a busy few days here so I didn't get a chance to write yesterday (or catch up on all of you!). I just wanted to let you know I'm still going strong on the c25k and the Wii EA Sport Active 30 day Challenge!

I ran my first run of week four yesterday and ran for a total of 16 minutes!!! WOO-HOO!!!!!!  I've come to really realize this running/exercise thing is all a huge mind game. I just kept repeating, "if a 375lb man can do this, so can I" to myself and it worked. I made it through. YAY!!!!!  Now am I looking forward to my next run? Not particularly (hey, I'm just being honest here), but I am determined more than ever now that I have my running date to kick a little ass, so here's to many great runs ahead!

This morning I watched a bit too much tv (multiple episodes of United States of Tara via castTV) and then got off my duff and went and did my 4th session of the 30 day challenge. Today was a bit tough. First because it's been 3 days since I've done it, and secondly because today was a lot of lower leg stuff. Lunges, squats, jumping lunges, more squats, all the good stuff. I know my duff will thank me, but I'm beat...and I still have it set to easy! lol... god help me when I get to level medium!

Food wise, I haven't been a really good girl. I had ice cream, french fries and a boston cream donut. ugh...but if it's any consolation, I did realize that the fries were nasty and the boston cream donut felt as if it was full of chemicals. Wish I could say that stopped me from eating them, but sadly not.  Some day my friends, some day!

Anyway, this weekend the plan is to get some groceries so I'll have no excuse to go and make bad choices again.  I found a great veg. recipe site recently that gives the calorie content so I might see if I can make something from there. That way I can track it properly when I eat it unlike the other meals I've made lately.

Anyway, that's it for now folks. I hope you are enjoying your weekend.

Chow for now!

Damn Scale

Feeling sluggish today. Ugh... I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning. This is the first time I've felt this way in a long time.

I also stepped on the scale one day early for my WI this morning, and I totally shouldn't have. Why? Because I was up! Gurrrr. Only 0.5lbs, but still. WTF? I hate the damn scale. It just seems to go against all the great changes I have made. It takes those changes and squashes them like a bug.  

I do know my sodium was high and a few foods I wasn't sure how to track, but still...you'd think I would lose something. Hell, I'd be happy with anything in the DOWN direction. I hate that even when you eat healthy, you still gain weight. A part of me would rather gain weight eating the big macs I use to if this is the results I'm going to get. Now I wouldn't, considering I love betsy too much, but still.

Of course this set me off to self sabatage. I went and drove through McD's for breakfast and had a egg mcmuffin minus the canadian bacon. A good choice? Of course not, but perhaps I still haven't got a hold of my "who gives a shit, what I'm doing isn't working anyway" feelings. I also had a falafal for lunch. ugh...I know. Not good either.

I did make one good choice though today. I got out for a walk on my lunch break for 30 minutes. It wasn't long, but it was something I suppose. It's more than what I would have done in the past - especially on days when I am tired. Usually I'd just vegetate in the staff lounge.

Thanks for the feedback on the c25k. I think I will attempt week 4 when it comes and see how I do. I still have one more run of week three to get through though and I'm hoping to do it tonight.  Right now I'm pretty tired though, so fingers crossed I can push myself when I get home tonight.