233

Two Hundred and thirty three pounds.

That's what I weighed today at my doctors office. I wasn't pleased. That's a 10 pound gain since November 29th. The only thing that keeps me hopeful that I haven't truly gained that much, is that I weigh myself naked usually, and of course at the doctors office I was not. Either way though, it's not good.

I went to the doctors for my annual physical, but also because my mood is still not where it should be. I'm dealing with a lot right now. On one hand,  I think anyone in my situation going through what has been thrown at me would be struggling with the feelings I'm having. 

I'm definitely feeling a lot of feelings lately.

Hurt, anger, rage, sadness, anxiety, fear, disappointment etc...etc..... I feel these all in the span of 5 minutes at times.

It's exhausting. 

One the other hand, I know it's not healthy to cope in the ways I have been lately. Mostly, I've isolated myself in my bedroom, missing work and eating my face off. It hasn't been pretty. Add irritability into the mix and anxiety and tears and it's been awful. Some of my feelings are warranted as people ( one more than others) have hurt me immensely, but others are not. Either way, I know it's not good and I could certainly cope better.

For years I have struggled with depression. Usually it happens in the winter, and although I have never been diagnosed with S.A.D, I kinda wonder. Really, it doesn't matter. Depression regardless of when it strikes sucks ass. The good news is,  I'm not a person who is ashamed by my mental health issues and I have always seeked help right away. For me I feel like,  when a person has a stomach ache, they go to the doctor to have it looked at and get the problem fixed, so why on earth wouldn't I do the same if my brain isn't feeling right? I want to feel better, so I'm doing what I need to do to feel that way. 

The last time I was on anti-depressants was in 2011. Eventually I stopped them and continued to feel better although there has been dips in my mood since. Currently, I'm experiencing a big dip. A dip (or shall I say hole) that I'm having a harder time climbing out of on my own.  I know the medication will not be a magic "happy" pill. It never has been, but I do hope it will help me see and focus on the positives in my life rather than only the negatives. I also hope it will help calm my anxiety, so my reactions to things will improve. Right now I'm flying off the handle a bit too much.

The other day I bit my husband's head off for cooking fish in the house when I was home. Yes, I asked and reminded him nicely three times not to cook it when I'm present as I have a serious issue with fish that are cooked with still their eyes and tails attached, plus I just hate the smell. When he cooked it when I was home,  I felt disrespected. Like he didn't care enough to remember or respect my wishes. Either way, instead of approaching him calmly, the minute I smelled the fish I went from 0-100 and bit his head off - HARD.  I ended up being the one that apologized and not him.  

Anyway, I really hope episodes like that don't happen as often as they are happening now.  I also don't want a life where I have no interest in anything I use to, and only want to lay in bed all day and eat poutine. That is not any way to live. It's not fun. It's also not healthy mentally or physically. 

Now, with all the upsides of medications there are also down sides. For the medication I've been put on, the down side is the risk of weight gain.

UGH.... NOT GOOD.

In the past,  I chose an anti-depressant that had less weight gain risk, but it didn't really work well for me mood wise. This time, I just went with what the doctor suggested. He chose an old tried and true medication which is good for not only depression but anxiety ( but with that comes that darn possible side effect).  Fingers crossed it doesn't make me want to eat all the food in my fridge in one sitting. 

Currently, I have not been on track with my food at all. I was after my last post, but it only lasted about 4 days. I'm now once again back to square one. I plan to restart my challenges when I'm more up for it -- hopefully that's sooner than later. I also need to start following WW consistently, especially because of this new risk.  It's a must along with going to the gym. Everyone knows that exercising helps with weight loss, but also moods as well. 

I know what I need to do. I always have. It's just doing it that's the hard part when you feel this way. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon and I'll find the motivation and determination I need to kick a little ass again. 

WI plus more

I'm fighting depression. The last two days it won. Today I think I did - a little.  Today I got out of bed and went and weighed in.  Look what happen......

How the hell did that happen?

Weight loss sure takes you on a crazy journey. I can't explain that weight loss at all. I'll take it though!!!! I'm definitely  not where I want to be, and I wish I was one of those bloggers who can lose 100lbs in a year, but I'm not. This journey is super hard and it's going to be super long for me. The key is to just never give up - period.

I started using etools again today and promise that I will for the rest of the week. I still have lots of fresh food in the house so there isn't a reason I can't stay on plan.

Before

I'm trying to force myself to be active and social, but it hasn't been happening lately. As I've previously blogged about, I've been sleeping more than anything. I did get out today though and clean up my garden. I told myself I would on my days off and I finally did it. Thank god. I decided to do this instead of running. Of course I could have done both, but right now, one thing a day is enough.

After

I've been on my anti-depressent for a week now. No major changes yet as to be expected, except some nausea for about 2 hours after taking it. I was anticipating this though as when I researched the medication it stated that in clinical trials most people had the same side effect. Thankfully they also stated it went away after one week. Here's hoping mine does too!

Not Good

Hi, I'm Debbie. Debbie Downer.....Okay, so I'm Sonya, but you get the point.

Guys....I'm not in a good head space right now. Yesterday after my run I came home and stayed in bed all day. Today was much of the same until I had to force myself to get up and ready for work. Yes, yet again, I'm working the lovely overnight shift.

Lately I don't have the energy or drive to do anything other than what is necessary. Activities I use to enjoy I don't anymore although funny enough, I've still stuck to running. I did have a good time at Wonderland with my family, but something is just off. I can't pinpoint it, but I just don't feel myself right now. I cancelled two dates with friends as I didn't want to go out, and I really don't feel like doing much in the future. My days off often involve me pushing myself to do anything. This is when I am thankful that I don't have dependents at home, although maybe they would distract me from my own self pity...who knows.

Work sucks, not necessarily because anything has majority changed, but because maybe I have. I don't enjoy it as much as I use to and I'm thinking of looking elsewhere. The type of work is getting to me and the commute is getting to me as well. The only problem is there are no full-time jobs available right now in my field (or at least in the area I want to work in). For a single girl with a mortgage to pay on top of other bills, I need full-time permanent hours. Right now, they are just not out there. In all honesty, I should be happy to be working right now, period.

Now the last time I felt low like this,  I gained all the weight back I lost, and then gained another 50lbs in about 5 months…maybe quicker. I crawled into a hole and stayed there for awhile and ate and ate and ate feeling sorry for myself. PATHETIC!!!!!  That was about three years ago. Right now my eating hasn't been good, but it still has been far better than those horrible days. Thank goodness!  I am hoping that how I am feeling is just situational triggered by a bunch of things and I'll eventually snap out of it, but as I wrote about previously I've made an appointment with my family doctor anyway.  No shame there....hell, if I had a stomach ache I'd try to fix it, so why not try to fix my brain the same way? I hate feeling this way. I should be thankful for everything I have, not holding my head down wishing I had what I don't. It's no way to live. It's ridiculous really. Things could be so much worse!!!!!

As a result, I think it's not only time I focused my energy on how many pounds and inches I've lost, but also on changing my views and thoughts about myself. As a result, I plan to ask to see a shrink. Yup, a shrink. I've been thinking about it for months and I think it's finally time. I need to do this for myself. To improve my self confidence, my self esteem, my own self worth. I need to do this to help love myself and to sort out things that have been holding me back in getting what I really want out of life. I'm nervous about it, but I'm ready. I'm hoping that he/she can help me change on the inside, as I continue to work on the outside. After all, if I don't work on everything all together, I fear the "hourglass figure" Sonya of the future will not stick and I really, really, really want her too!!!!

The Bad and The Good (better to end on the positive!)

The bad - I haven't blogged in 4 days

The good - I'm back

The bad - I'm struggling with food again

The good -  I have not once thought of throwing in the towel completely

The bad - I gained 2.4lbs this week

The good - it could have been 7lbs like last time ;-)

The bad - I wanted to stay in bed all day today

The good - I didn't.

The bad - I feel like the pit of despair is attempting to suck me back in. 

The good - I'm resisting with everything I got and even made a doctors appointment hoping for some help. Take that PIT!

The bad - I spent a shit load of money today - retail therapy? 

The good - It was mostly on running gear!


The bad - I feel like an idiot in a running store as I have no clue what gear to get and why
The good - Running Room staff rock and were very helpful! 

The bad - I only had one choice of jacket to buy at the running room and one colour choice because I needed an XXL.

The good - An XXL FIT! 16 pounds ago it probably wouldn't have. Plus the sleeves are long enough and at least the colour was burgundy, and not bright yellow! 

The bad - the new XL long sleeve running room shirt I bought shows all my rolls as it's a bit too snug.

The good - No one will ever see it because I'll be wearing my snazzy new jacket over top of it.  By spring I hope to be thinner so  it will fit better! 

The bad - I spend about $150.00 on new running shoes....ugh.....

The good - They ROCK!

The bad - I can't find my Nike+ sensor

The good - I didn't let that stop me from timing my run tonight. I used my ipod stopwatch instead (which I just realized it had!)

The bad - I can never join an "in store class/clinics" at the Running Room so I can meet new people.
The good - they have an online clinic so at least I can still interact with an instructor and learn the many secrets of running! 


The bad - I'm still a slow runner

The good - I ran my long run route tonight in 29 min, 53 sec, when it usually takes me about 31min. 


The bad - I'm running another 5K by myself on Sunday.
The good - 499+ strangers are also running a 5K on sunday so I actually might be faster than one of them! ;-) 


The bad - It's suppose to rain on Sunday
The good - you know that jacket I just bought? It's waterproof!!!!! 

pain in the........

I think the pressure I'm putting on myself to lose this one pound is backfiring on me. I'm too stressed out about it and that's causing me to eat. When you have yummy left overs in the house, this is not a good thing.

Thanksgiving leftovers are evil people!!!! Soooooo good, but sooooooo evil! I really do fear a gain, but I know I've let it happen. I need to really just get back to my mantra of "one day at a time" and stop looking beyond that.

I did get out for my run last night with a friend and her family though. Running buddies rock!  It was a great run, but about an hour later my hips started to hurt, and hurt bad. I took some ibuprofen and put some deep relief on them, but still the pain was making it so I couldn't sleep. Add that to the fact exercise always seems to wake me up so I go to bed later anyway and the fact I had a nap during the day, I didn't fall sleep until 6am! 6 AM PEOPLE!!!!! I was suppose to be at work at 7:00!!!!! Of course, I called into work and said I wasn't coming. I'm not proud of it, but there is no way I can function on no sleep.

I ended up waking up around 12:30pm, and now I'm still just resting in bed. My hips are still really sore. I hate that I get this bilateral hip pain after my runs. It seems to be happening more and more now that my speed is a bit faster - mind you not by much!  I'm going to try using my foam roller again to see if that will help. I'm also wondering whether it's time to buy new shoes. Mine are a few years old, and although I didn't start wearing them regularly until this past March, maybe it's time. Mind you maybe it's just an excuse to buy a new pair! Either way I have to do more to control this hip pain I keep getting. I don't want it to derail my running efforts.

Speaking of running efforts, I signed up for the online 5K training program via the Running Room! I can't attend the in store sessions because of my schedule, so I decided to try out their web program. My hip pain is concerning because now I need to increase my running from 2 times a week (my average) to three! On top of this, my next 5K is on sunday! Ahhhhh, go away pain!!!!!

Alone Again

For the last 2.5 years, I have been living with my best friend. Prior to that I lived alone for 3 years and now I do again!  My best friend moved out of my house yesterday. She now lives an hour away from me just north of Toronto.  I'm of course very excited for her as she starts a new chapter in her life, but I'm also a bit sad too as I'll miss seeing her everyday.

I'm telling you this all because over the years I've realized that loneliness and boredom are two triggers for me. When I am either, I'm more likely to fall off the wagon. When I was living alone before, this was when I gained the majority of my weight. I did have periods where I was 'good' and lost weight in the past (you long time readers know that!), but the weight would just come back when either of these feelings would occur....that, or stress! Of course there were other factors involved too that contributed to my weight gain, but loneliness and boredom played their part for sure.

Going forward I'm really going to try not to give into either of these feelings. Things are different in my world now. I have a better support system, I have a larger social circle, and I'm happier. I will not allow myself to 'go back there' to feelings of depression and self-pity simply because I'm alone. I plan to live my best life in my 30s and if I give into those feelings I'm only living the opposite.

Thankfully to tackle the boredom, I've decided to do some decorating around my place.  I fell out of decorating mode awhile ago, but with Cookie (the bff) gone, it's now come back as I have an empty room to work on.

Cookie's old room is currently a wonderful shade of sunshine sponge painted yellow. Even the ceiling is sponge painted! Oh yes, I said the ceiling! To add to that they put stars and moons on the ceiling (which they actually sponge painted over!) and there is a lovely navy blue stars and moons border! Very 1990s for sure!  Now of course Cookie didn't do this. It was this way when I bought the place, but she like I, just didn't have the energy to do the work to remove it. That is until now!  It's going to take some work, but I'm up for the challenge. I'm not exactly sure what the colour scheme will be, but I can assure you it will be nothing like the current colours!

I also have a wonderful office to work on as well. The yellow colour is in that room too, but this time the sponge paint is forrest green! Oh, I must not forget to tell you about the flower brownish colour border! YUMMY!!!! I already have the colour picked out for this room, but you'll have to keep reading in the future to find out!

Needless to say, I have a few projects to keep me busy so I will not be bored.  I'm also going to attempt to make several social outing with friends so I don't get lonely. At some point I want to 'get out there' and start dating again, but when the last guy said to me...."oh a girl with glasses and curves, just thinking about it makes me hard" it doesn't give a girl a lot of hope that there are still true gentlemen out there!!!!  There's got to me though. Fingers crossed anyway.

Better

Okay....so perhaps I over reacted a little on the hip thing yesterday. Perhaps, I had a 'oh my god, I have a headache, it must be a tumor'  moment.  My hips are fine today. lol..... They feel much, much better. I did everything I said I was going to do, and it did help a lot. I should be good to go with my run with my friend on wednesday and then again on sunday when the real run happens. Fingers crossed.

Aside from the hip thing though I've been struggling a little with my emotions lately. I've been sad, happy, hurt, angry and excited all the in span of a couple days. It can be a bit exhausting. The 'issues' aren't huge and nothing too too concerning, but emotions are emotions no matter how big or small the issues are.  The good news is (and the reason I'm telling you this) is that I didn't gravitate to food for comfort this time. I sat with my emotions and although upset and feeling like I needed a hard drink and a bucket of ice cream, I managed to talk myself through these feelings and move on. Sure some things still weigh on my heart, but  I'm determined to not let a little disappointment from a friend cause me to derail my efforts to live my best life.

I think this is why I feel this journey to a better health (and an hourglass figure) just might be different for me this time. I know I've had a blog for years now and have come and gone from it as my weight has gone up and down, but this time things feel different. I have this determination I didn't have before, I have motivation I never had, and I have an attitude that is different. I wish I could explain it better, but I just know I can do it this time. I will reach my goal. I will get healthy. I promise!

I'll leave you with a picture that my Mother sent me tonight. It's the reason this run on sunday is so important to me.  See the dog? See the lady behind (and just slightly to the right) of lady with the dog? That's my Mom!

Versatile

Man...my car was hit again!!! GURRRRRRRRRRRRR.... *sigh* A few months ago my car was hit while parked on the side of the road, and tonight on my way to work it was hit again!!!!! Some dude decided to come into my lane without looking first and smacked me! Yes, of course I'm thankful I'm fine and blah, blah. blah (no, truly I am thankful), but really this is starting to be a major pain in my ass! So. Not. Cool!!!!!  Can't people just check their damn blind spots for flipping sakes! I haven't even called in the first claim yet as the person wanted to work it out between us, but now she says she doesn't have the money and now has to go through insurance. Great. Now I have two claims to put in! Thankfully both accidents were not my fault, but still....ugh....

Of course I have been a tad stressed out and anxious about this all. If I wasn't working I'd probaby be tempted to sit on the couch with a drink in my hand and vent to my best friend. Either that or I'd down some really shitty food and mope. As I'm at work, I can't down some booze, and because I'm determined to lose this damn weight I haven't  filled my face either. This took self control tonight as there being some really great looking chocolate chip cookies sitting in our nutrition centre right now! Instead I've decided to remember my goals and therefore have been left to sit with my thoughts and my anxiety and learn to deal with it. It sucks, I feel crusty, I feel tense, but I'm proud of myself.

Although I haven't truly found a new way to cope with stress (as talking to coworkers about it didn't really seem to help a lot), I'm still happy I didn't gravitate to my old behaviours and say fuck it to the weight loss plan and down those cookies and anything else I could eat that would help to nub the anxiety. Instead I'm listening to some music and trying to calm myself with writing. Is it working????? Got to say, I'm not sure yet. I think once I call my insurance, get an appointment to fix my car etc...etc....I'll feel better. For now, I'm just feeling crappy.

In other more happy news, as I said in a previous post this blog was nominated for the Virsatile award. Thanks again Misssaralou!!!!

So with this award, comes rules...

1. Thank the person giving the award - done!
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.
4. Let your nominees know about the award.

So here goes... 7 things....hum....
 
1. I'm going to be an Aunt to a wonderfully gorgeous baby girl that is due in september
2. I love my feet. For a tall plus size girl...I think they are pretty damn cute.
3. My hair will always change colour. It's very rare for me to go to the hair dresser and get it done the same colour more than twice.
4. I have a nose ring
5. I thought about getting a tattoo, but even at 31 I fear disappointing my father...he HATES them, so have never and probably will never get one.
6. I got 99% on expert singing on rockband. Oh yes...I totally missed my calling ;-)
7. I recently got 'fake' nails. Not because I wanted them long, but because I was feeling pretty butchy lately and wanted to girl it up a bit. :-) 
 
Blogs....15 is a lot! so if you are reading this...you've been hit! Congrats!!! :-) Hey...what can I say, I suck at following rules!

Do I really Want it?

Learning to run has reminded me that if I set my mind to something, I can do it. Through determination, will and drive I can accomplish any goal I set for myself. Nine weeks ago running 5K seemed impossible, but  it was my goal I set for myself and I did it. I plan to do it again today as well. Week 9, run 2,  here I come. So now why the hell is it that when I set a weight loss goal, I can't have the same success? I've reached every goal I've set for myself in recent years. Move out on my own, landing a job that I wanted and love, bought a house on my own, graduated from university etc..etc..., but this damn weight loss goal I just can't seem to tackle.

I tried to 'Dr. Phil' think a bit tonight and ask myself...is being fat working for me? It must be in some regards because I'm not changing. I don't have that drive, determination or will to huncker down and calorie count and loss this freak'in weight once and for all. As I thought more and more I came to realize that perhaps my weight has become my security blanket. If I truly begin to shed the pounds and separate myself from my 'blanket" I'm valnerable  to possibilities that perhaps scare me. I'm not going to get into details, but I'm sure you get what I mean.

I'm confident in many aspects of my life. I'm smart and successful, but when it comes to weight loss, I'm a failure. I feel like I'm not strong enough to getter done. With that being said though, I know I have begun to make positive changes in my life and people are noticing. People have even called me an inspiration. Me! An inspiration. HA! That is shocking! It does feel good though to hear coworkers say they thought of me as they went out for a run and said, if Sonya can do it, so can I. The scale may not say I've lost weight lately, but many had asked if I have. I look in the mirror and I see a smaller self. My stomach is less bloated, my arms don't have as large of "wings" as they use to, and my legs look stronger. Of course I wish my double 'no neck' days were behind me, but here's hoping with my continued running and veggie diet it will come with time.

I'm not going to lie though, I do get frustrated. Here I am running 3 times a week, and eating a vegetarian diet where I've had more veggies in the last 3 months than probably in the last 3 years, but still I'm not losing weight.  I guess that's what you get when you don't buckle down.  I do admit lately I enjoyed french fries and ice cream perhaps too much. These are my two tried and true coping foods, and when our dog died, you can bet I had them A LOT! I wish I could say I've found a new coping strategy to deal with stress/anger/sadness, but I guess I haven't. I know I'm still not ready to calorie count or count points again though so I shouldn't be surprised by the scale results. Afterall, you can't have your cake and eat it too but of course this is where I get frustrated yet again. I say I want to lose this weight, so why the hell do I still make those bad food choices? Gurrrrrrr. When will I learn? When will I finally believe I can do it and that I'm worth it?

Flakie Sadness

I had a weak moment and now I'm paying for it. When out grocery shopping yesterday I bought a lot of good foods. I also bought passion flakies and cinnamon raisin rice pudding. I knew it was bad, but I thought maybe (just maybe) I'd be able to not inhale them both in one day.


I was wrong.

I ate the entire box of flakies in less than 24 hour and the entire large container of rice pudding.

They are both completely gone now.

So. Not. Cool!

I'm not sure what triggered the need to inhale. I really didn't think it would turn out this way. I can have chocolate in my house and ice cream in my house for weeks without eating it now (something I would have inhaled before), but I suppose flakies and rice pudding are still a red flag food for me. It's better if I just stay away.

I was feeling a bit nervous/anxious after I wrote my post last night (okay, well perhaps I do know why I inhaled) After looking up my route on mapmyrun like I said I did, I then went to coolrunning.com and realized I'm only running 3K in 25 minutes when I should be running 4K. I knew I was slow, but it was kind of like a punch to the stomach. Here I thought I was doing well (and yes, I do realize I still am for just doing it in the first place), but then to realize I'm behind the pace by so much...well, it kind of sucks. Top it off with the fact I mapped out 5K and now truly know how far that is....I think I freaked out a bit.

Today I'm feeling a bit better of course. I'm trying not to think of the 5K race, but just taking it run by run as I have for the last 7 weeks. On the coolrunning website It states "Week 7 - Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes)." My podcast just has me running 25 minutes...but perhaps I need to run the 2.5 miles (4km) instead no matter how long it takes me. I'm really not sure. Four kilometers might take me 35 minutes and that's a huge jump from running for only 25 minutes. Ahhhh...I'm not sure what to do. Help! Any runners out there?

Woo-Woo!

....and this is why we have goals in life ladies and gents! Even though today is a gorgeous day here in Ontario (16C/63F),  I really didn't feel like getting out there and running. I wanted to be a couch potato. I wanted to velcro my ass to the sofa and not move. I just wanted to vegetate. I've felt a bit tired and lazy lately because of the shift work and switching back from night to days. I also haven't run since Wednesday  and if I don't exercise for a couple days, the more I'm likely to not exercise in the future. Nonetheless,  I'm happy to report I didn't sit on the couch! Instead I got my fat ass off of it, and ran Week 2, Run 2 of the couch 25K program, Can I get a Woo-Woo!!!! Oh that's right, I rocked it!  I got up and out the door, because I remembered the goal I set for myself. I  remembered I can't let myself and my friends down who will be running the 5K with me at the end of the summer.  If it wasn't for that goal, I can guarantee I would have just continued to sit where I normally have for  far too long.

 Yesterday I spent the day out shopping with my sister. She needed new tops as she's preggers (yay!!!!) and I needed new tops because my current ones are all worn and old. I ended up finding a few at Addition Elle, and Ricki's.  Most were 2X still, but one was an 1X and I even got an XXL from Ricki's.  I also bought a pair of size 16 (T/G just means tall length!) jeans for the first time in FOREVER. Can I get another WOO-WOO!!!!! Sure they are stretch material, but do I care? Hell no! They're still a size 16 and that's all that matters!

Regardless of the awesome sizes I am able to fit into lately, I must be honest and say my food intake hasn't been award winning in the last few days. I'm actually a bit embarrassed to share what I've had. No meat involved, but french fries, ice cream and onion rings somehow entered my body. I have no idea how, but they somehow ended up in my mouth and forcing themselves down my throat. How rude,  eh?
As a result, I've been thinking of signing up for WW online. I've usually gone to meetings when doing WW, but I think if I continue to blog and find support here, I might be okay not to. We'll see. I still haven't decided. I know I need to do something. No matter how much I work out, I still need to get my food under control or I'm never going to shed these pounds.  The thought of counting points for the billionth time though, is not my idea of fun. It's not something I've been able to sustain for long periods of time, so why do I want to go back?  I know it works, but I always fall off the wagon in the end? Will it be different this time?

Talking of Food, tonight I'm heading to my parents house for Easter dinner. I once again made Cool 'N Easy Mousse Pie. It's so yummy. It should be a nice time. Speaking of that, I should go and get ready! Happy Easter to all who celebrate!  Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Down 2.0lbs

Previous Weight - 246 lbs
Current Weight - 244 lbs
Total Lost - 4.5 lbs

Well I'm moving in the right direction! I'm not going to lie though, I was hoping for more. I did well this week and wanted more of a result. More of a reward perhaps. Oh well....It's all good. Two pounds is great!

Today when I woke up I had this sudden feeling of loneliness.  A feeling of sadness. I'm not sure where the hell is came from, but there it was staring me in the face as tears rolled down my cheek.  I've struggled with these feelings off and on for years, and I think this is a part of the reason I'm fat.

Recently I watched an episode of OPRAH where RUBY was a guest . I've never seen her reality series as I only have basic cable, but on Oprah she was sharing how she finally realized she was a food addict. She realized that she used food to help deal with the pain in her life and that ultimately food ended up meaning love for her.  Food meant Love. When Oprah and Ruby had that discussion a kind of light bulb moment happened for me.  I realized food has been love for me for the past seven years....it's been my safe place to fall.

Seven years ago was when my last relationship ended...and even calling it a relationship is a stretch...but regardless it was still painful when it ended. Seven years ago is also when my mother got sick. My mother and I were always close growing up. I could tell her anything and everything. She knows me better than anyone. You'd never know it, (as I seem to spew my emotions on the internet pretty freely), but a lot of times I keep things hidden from people. I bottle them up. My mother always knew something was up though, and would gently pry until I told her how I was feeling. She was always my soft and safe place to fall. She was the one person who's shoulder I could cry on. She was the one person who when I wasn't feeling good enough, could make me feel special again. She was able to calm me and support me and tell me everything was going to be okay. She was my rock.... but then she got sick...and everything changed.  I love my mother, but she no longer can be my safe place to fall. Our relationship has changed, and perhaps I never dealt with it. Perhaps I've never grieved for the relationship I lost.   I see how my friends interact with their mothers and I wish I had the same. I wish my mother never got sick and life was how it was when I grew up, but it's not. It's different, and I miss the relationship that once was.  Please don't get wrong. I love my mother and she is supportive, kind and loving and I know she would be there for me in a heart beat, but I just can't go to her like I once could.  It would cause her stress that she no longer can handle. It would cause her to fall apart...and I can't have that.....so instead of my Mother being my safe place to fall a fast food takeout window became her replacement.

I don't think I ever really realized how strongly her illness effected me. I buried the pain I felt and kept moving forward. I became her rock, her shoulder to cry on, her soft place to fall because my father and sister just didn't understand her...or so she said at the time. Our roles changed and although my mother has done marvelously well these last few years, our roles are still not back to how they once were....and a part of me perhaps wishes they were.  I miss the way it was...but it's only recently that I've realized just how much.

Today would have been a day I would have asked a certain someone to come over. I would have asked him to come over so I could simply lay my head on his shoulder and feel some type of comfort from someone for awhile.  Today is a day when feeling lonely I would have ate a whole pizza and then ice cream for dessert. Today is a day, I wouldn't get out of bed. Today is a day, I would feel sorry for myself. But today was not that day. I did not call him over, I did not eat pizza and ice cream, I did not stay in bed all day, and I did not feel sorry for myself.  Instead, I went out for dinner with my best friend and her cute little niece and then went shopping and had a great evening. It doesn't mean my problems have gone  away or that I don't still crave that someone who can finally  be my safe place to fall, my rock or a shoulder to cry on, but it does mean, I'm making some type of progress not only on the outside (with my weight loss), but also on the inside..... and that is what matters the most!

Smart Guy

"Be at least as interested in what goes on inside you as what happens outside. If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place" - Eckhart Tolle
This is exactly what I've been trying to do these last few days. I need to focus more on me, more on my inner self than on the outside crap. Because as Eckhart says, if I can get the inside right, the outside will follow.
Yoga and meditation has helped me greatly already. I still have a long way to go as I still gravitate to food for comfort, but I'm getting there and think the more I practice yoga the more I will finally start using that as my drug of choice rather than a whopper from Burger King. Sadly I ate three this week....I know...SOOOO not good! Not at all in line with my operation to kick ass. Not at all. 
I had a sad weekend (hence the burgers), but I think things are better now. I hope so anyway. Only time will tell for sure.  I just know that through what has happened, I have learned once again that I am weak and strong all at the same time. I'm trying to focus more on my strengths and finding a sort of inner peace (sorry dudes, don't mean to get too deep), that will help guild me on my journey. I think if I can find that, and find love for myself....I will finally be able to allow love to enter my life that is good, pure and  finally requited, because history repeating itself...really does suck ass. 
So, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will get out of bed and say hello to this world and welcome in what comes. Tomorrow I will not have a whopper! Tomorrow I will kick ass. Tomorrow I will refocus on my goals, to be a better me for my 31st birthday!

Writing instead of eating....

Tonight has not been the greatest night for me. I felt lonely and contacted a guy I know. A friend or acquaintance (not sure what to call him) that I've known for several years. We have been hanging out lately and as Sonya usually does with boys -  she falls for them....but they just never seem to fall for me.

For over 10 years I have known this guy and never thought twice about him. Lately my feelings changed though. I got to see a side of him that I hadn't really seen before and I liked it. I knew he found me attractive so I took a chance. Something I haven't done in awhile. I thought maybe he could be a guy who finally sees me for me and thinks I'm good enough. He's a guy I wouldn't have to share my history with because he already kind of knows it.  He's a guy I feel comfortable with....and that does not come easily for me.  I thought here's a guy I can finally trust. Naturally, I wanted to see where it could go, but despite him finding me attractive I recently found out he doesn't want the same as I do. He doesn't want a relationship. Sex? I'm sure he's all for....but relationships are a no go. We are not on the same page. We're not even in the same book. He wants no strings...I want lots....  Anyway, there is far more to the story but I will keep that private. I'm sharing this with you though because I'm in a situation that makes me feel sad. I'm sad because once again I don't feel good enough. Feeling not good enough makes me want to eat.

As I said tonight I felt lonely so I contacted this guy (even though I swore to myself I wouldn't) and think I just made things even more weird than they were. This of course makes me feel like an idiot or loser or crazy girl which also makes me want to eat for comfort. I'm still feeling lonely which makes me want to eat as well.

If you haven't figured it out yet.... I am 100% an emotional eater.

Thankfully I haven't dived into the ice cream just yet. Instead I'm writing this blog entry. Writing is my new therapy. Writing is what is going to get me through this journey. This blog is about a girl trying to not only gain a new figure, but it's about a girl trying to find new ways to cope in this world. Writing will help me. It did way back when...and it shall again. I'm a girl who wants and needs to change  from the inside out and writing instead of eating is one way I can.

Inside out and the Outside in

My Facebook status was this today " 2010, the year I rock it from the inside out and the outside in. Change is good". Several people liked this or so they said.

2010 will be the year I make some major changes in my life. Changes only for the better. I am energized for these changes and determined to make them happen. It's a new year, a new decade and I'm thirty now.  2010 is the perfect time for transformation. I'm not just talking about changing on the outside though. Yes, that is a huge part of it, but so it changing on the inside. I know I need to work on this, and I'm determined to finally feel better about myself and realize that yes, I am strong, yes I am beautiful, yes, I am smart, and anyone who thinks otherwise can kiss my fat ass.

I'm so use to negative self talk. I don't know how I got this way, because I have a wonderful group of friends and family who think the world of me, but for some reason, I've never developed a great self esteem. I never thought I was smart and I guess this stems from public school days and being pulled out of class to see a resource teacher because I couldn't read and write like the rest of the kiddies... Well, I still am a horrible speller...but I sure the hell can read and write now! As for feeling beautiful....yes my family and friends think I am, but I've never been lucky in the love department and once your not lucky for so long, you tend to believe bad things about yourself. This year, I'm going to TRY to change that.  It's not going to be easy, but I need to start believing in myself. I need to start loving myself. I need to start caring.

I am strong. I am a woman who still has fight in her. Who is ready to kick some ass in this world and finally get what she deserves. I have a great life right now don't get me wrong. I just want to make it even better! Everyone has a story, everyone has baggage. I just don't want mine to define me anymore. I deserve better. I want better. I will get better.

This morning I stuck to my guns and worked out for 30 min on my stationary bike. That might seem like nothing to those of you who are further along on your journey, but for a girl just starting out, I'd say I did not too shabby. My legs are feeling the workout,  that's for sure. Tomorrow, I'll be going and doing some more yoga. I can't wait!

I jumped on the scale this morning and despite my efforts with work out though I still don't see any movement on the scale. Disappointed? Of course. I want that sucker to move!!!! I'm not sure why it's not moving either. I am eating WAY better than I have in the last few months. By know I would have had take out food at least three times already if I wasn't trying to change. 2010 - I've had none. I'm hoping it's just fluid retention from some salt etc... but if I don't lose weight this week, I can't let that derail me. I still made some amazing changes this week and I should be proud. Hell I worked out three times. THREE TIMES people. I haven't been that consistent  in years.  I've even got a plan for more...oh yeah baby. I'm rocking it....and will continue to. Just watch! ;-)