Not Good

Hi, I'm Debbie. Debbie Downer.....Okay, so I'm Sonya, but you get the point.

Guys....I'm not in a good head space right now. Yesterday after my run I came home and stayed in bed all day. Today was much of the same until I had to force myself to get up and ready for work. Yes, yet again, I'm working the lovely overnight shift.

Lately I don't have the energy or drive to do anything other than what is necessary. Activities I use to enjoy I don't anymore although funny enough, I've still stuck to running. I did have a good time at Wonderland with my family, but something is just off. I can't pinpoint it, but I just don't feel myself right now. I cancelled two dates with friends as I didn't want to go out, and I really don't feel like doing much in the future. My days off often involve me pushing myself to do anything. This is when I am thankful that I don't have dependents at home, although maybe they would distract me from my own self pity...who knows.

Work sucks, not necessarily because anything has majority changed, but because maybe I have. I don't enjoy it as much as I use to and I'm thinking of looking elsewhere. The type of work is getting to me and the commute is getting to me as well. The only problem is there are no full-time jobs available right now in my field (or at least in the area I want to work in). For a single girl with a mortgage to pay on top of other bills, I need full-time permanent hours. Right now, they are just not out there. In all honesty, I should be happy to be working right now, period.

Now the last time I felt low like this,  I gained all the weight back I lost, and then gained another 50lbs in about 5 months…maybe quicker. I crawled into a hole and stayed there for awhile and ate and ate and ate feeling sorry for myself. PATHETIC!!!!!  That was about three years ago. Right now my eating hasn't been good, but it still has been far better than those horrible days. Thank goodness!  I am hoping that how I am feeling is just situational triggered by a bunch of things and I'll eventually snap out of it, but as I wrote about previously I've made an appointment with my family doctor anyway.  No shame there....hell, if I had a stomach ache I'd try to fix it, so why not try to fix my brain the same way? I hate feeling this way. I should be thankful for everything I have, not holding my head down wishing I had what I don't. It's no way to live. It's ridiculous really. Things could be so much worse!!!!!

As a result, I think it's not only time I focused my energy on how many pounds and inches I've lost, but also on changing my views and thoughts about myself. As a result, I plan to ask to see a shrink. Yup, a shrink. I've been thinking about it for months and I think it's finally time. I need to do this for myself. To improve my self confidence, my self esteem, my own self worth. I need to do this to help love myself and to sort out things that have been holding me back in getting what I really want out of life. I'm nervous about it, but I'm ready. I'm hoping that he/she can help me change on the inside, as I continue to work on the outside. After all, if I don't work on everything all together, I fear the "hourglass figure" Sonya of the future will not stick and I really, really, really want her too!!!!