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Two Hundred and thirty three pounds.

That's what I weighed today at my doctors office. I wasn't pleased. That's a 10 pound gain since November 29th. The only thing that keeps me hopeful that I haven't truly gained that much, is that I weigh myself naked usually, and of course at the doctors office I was not. Either way though, it's not good.

I went to the doctors for my annual physical, but also because my mood is still not where it should be. I'm dealing with a lot right now. On one hand,  I think anyone in my situation going through what has been thrown at me would be struggling with the feelings I'm having. 

I'm definitely feeling a lot of feelings lately.

Hurt, anger, rage, sadness, anxiety, fear, disappointment etc...etc..... I feel these all in the span of 5 minutes at times.

It's exhausting. 

One the other hand, I know it's not healthy to cope in the ways I have been lately. Mostly, I've isolated myself in my bedroom, missing work and eating my face off. It hasn't been pretty. Add irritability into the mix and anxiety and tears and it's been awful. Some of my feelings are warranted as people ( one more than others) have hurt me immensely, but others are not. Either way, I know it's not good and I could certainly cope better.

For years I have struggled with depression. Usually it happens in the winter, and although I have never been diagnosed with S.A.D, I kinda wonder. Really, it doesn't matter. Depression regardless of when it strikes sucks ass. The good news is,  I'm not a person who is ashamed by my mental health issues and I have always seeked help right away. For me I feel like,  when a person has a stomach ache, they go to the doctor to have it looked at and get the problem fixed, so why on earth wouldn't I do the same if my brain isn't feeling right? I want to feel better, so I'm doing what I need to do to feel that way. 

The last time I was on anti-depressants was in 2011. Eventually I stopped them and continued to feel better although there has been dips in my mood since. Currently, I'm experiencing a big dip. A dip (or shall I say hole) that I'm having a harder time climbing out of on my own.  I know the medication will not be a magic "happy" pill. It never has been, but I do hope it will help me see and focus on the positives in my life rather than only the negatives. I also hope it will help calm my anxiety, so my reactions to things will improve. Right now I'm flying off the handle a bit too much.

The other day I bit my husband's head off for cooking fish in the house when I was home. Yes, I asked and reminded him nicely three times not to cook it when I'm present as I have a serious issue with fish that are cooked with still their eyes and tails attached, plus I just hate the smell. When he cooked it when I was home,  I felt disrespected. Like he didn't care enough to remember or respect my wishes. Either way, instead of approaching him calmly, the minute I smelled the fish I went from 0-100 and bit his head off - HARD.  I ended up being the one that apologized and not him.  

Anyway, I really hope episodes like that don't happen as often as they are happening now.  I also don't want a life where I have no interest in anything I use to, and only want to lay in bed all day and eat poutine. That is not any way to live. It's not fun. It's also not healthy mentally or physically. 

Now, with all the upsides of medications there are also down sides. For the medication I've been put on, the down side is the risk of weight gain.

UGH.... NOT GOOD.

In the past,  I chose an anti-depressant that had less weight gain risk, but it didn't really work well for me mood wise. This time, I just went with what the doctor suggested. He chose an old tried and true medication which is good for not only depression but anxiety ( but with that comes that darn possible side effect).  Fingers crossed it doesn't make me want to eat all the food in my fridge in one sitting. 

Currently, I have not been on track with my food at all. I was after my last post, but it only lasted about 4 days. I'm now once again back to square one. I plan to restart my challenges when I'm more up for it -- hopefully that's sooner than later. I also need to start following WW consistently, especially because of this new risk.  It's a must along with going to the gym. Everyone knows that exercising helps with weight loss, but also moods as well. 

I know what I need to do. I always have. It's just doing it that's the hard part when you feel this way. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon and I'll find the motivation and determination I need to kick a little ass again. 

Pain in the.... Hip

So.... I'm still having hip issues. As in sore, achy, tight hips. It's frustrating. It's discouraging. My hips have been sore off and on for about 5 years, but a year and a half ago, it got so bad that I decided to go to a chiropractor. Prior to that I was pretty anti-chiropractor, but I was desperate for some help. I was in so much pain. Initially I was super pleased with the results. I felt much better, but now, the pain comes in waves. I'll be okay for a week or two and then bam... something happens which I feel sets me back to square one.  That 'something' could be related to the physical demands of my job or simple stuff like sitting, standing or walking for too long. I'm 35 years old and there are times I feel like my body is much, much older. I fear fibromyalgia. My mother has it and apparently it's hereditary. A common trigger point and starting point is in the hips. My chiropractor wonders if I might have brutitis. I hope I have neither. 

On Tuesday I went back to my chiropractor and she gave me a few new stretches to try. I even bought a Thera-band to assist myself in doing the new stretches. I'm to stretch twice a day and then go back in three weeks. If I still do not have relief she is going to order an X-ray. For my next appointment she told me to bring  my yoga mat and Thera-band and she'll do the stretches with me. My chiropractor truly is awesome. She really takes the time to help me. I'm so very appreciative.  Prior I had another doctor who was also very nice, but he always seemed in a rush. He had way too many clients and I just felt like a product on an assembly line. My new doctor doesn't make me feel that way AT ALL.  Seriously, what doctor tells you they will run up and down stairs with you to warm up and then do a bunch of stretches with you?! I'm so lucky to have found her. 

I'm really hoping that with these new stretches I will find some relief. The more I continue on this journey and read other people's blogs, I'm wanting to do more. Yes, I horseback ride and LOVE it, but winter is coming and I'm not sure if I'll be moving Joelle to a place I can ride her inside or not (that's a post for another time). If I can't ride this winter, I need to do something else. I need to do more. I haven't signed up for anything yet, but I'm contemplating it. Today was such a beautiful day I thought how nice it would be to start running again. I think about Aquafit and trying Zumba and going back to yoga class. My desire to do something else is starting to happen, but my fear of pain is preventing me.... And well,  let's be totally honest, laziness is a huge factor that is preventing me too! It's so much easier to watch workouts on tv than do them yourself! I'm getting there though... I have finally wrapped my brain around doing WW again, now my mind is starting to change about the idea of exercising more. I'm contemplating it and that makes me one step closer to change. I just hope my hips can keep up. 

Friday sickness

Hey all, 

This girl is still sick with a cold (pretty sure I coughed up a lung a second ago), but I'm trying my best to stay on track. Luckily or unluckily my appetite has not been that affected by my cold. My choices of food has though. All I want are comfort foods. The last two days it's been a challenge to eat my salad a day for my #100daysofsalad challenge. I chose coleslaw both days. In my mind that counts. 

I was so tempted to step on the scale this morning to see where I am at, but I resisted and will wait until Sunday when my official WI day is. I mean really, it is only two days away.  I am nervous about a gain. I have been in bed or on the couch most of the time doing absolutely nothing and  although I feel I've counted my intake to the best of my ability my choice of food hasn't been as good as previously. 

I can't stress out about it though. It will be what it will be. For now I need to focus on getting better. 

Enter neo citran!

 I've been drinking this stuff when sick since I was a kid. It always helps! 

Still Fighting this Cold

Still fighting the good fight ladies and gents. I currently sound like a man and have a cough to boot.

SEXY!!!!

Cough medicine is working - sort of.

I ended up taking last night off work and tonight. Hopefully I'll be able to work tomorrow, but it's not looking too promising. We'll see though.

I've been watching lots of online tv on my laptop and surfing the web all while laying in bed.   Technology (and my pillow) are my friends now and forever!

My appetite has started to disappear. I look in my cupboards and nothing is appealing.  Funny enough though, I still crave melted cheese and french fries.

ps. Thanks for joining me on Twitter! I'm getting the hang of it. I don't know a lot of the short forms yet, but I'm slowly learning!

The Big C

Nope, I'm not talking about the TV show. I'm not even talking about Cancer.

I'm talking about the common cold!

Sorry I've been absent more than usual lately.  I'm currently fighting one with big red boxing gloves.

Round one  = Vitamin C, Cold FX, Vick's Vaporub, H20 and a pillow

Round two = Halls Lozengers and Benylin Cold and Sinus

Round three = Buckley's gel caps (I HATE the liquid), and a Veggie Burger Combo from Burger King

Say what?

Yup... a combo from Burger King.

oh yeah.....

and a Harvey's Veggie Burger combo.... (thank god on different days).

Both combos I ate Poutine instead of just fries...or the wiser choice... a salad.

but really peeps...who the hell wants a salad when they are sick?

NOT ME!!!!

My thinking is that if someone can eat fish and call themselves a vegetarian. I can have the occasional poutine!!! Why? Because, that's why.

I wish I craved soup and liquids right now, gezzzzz, you think I would...but I don't have the flu. It's just a cold, and when I'm sick like this I crave comfort food and my comfort food is fast food.

STILL

UGH.......

It's all good though. I gave myself permission. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I just have to be careful this doesn't spiral out of control. I've had two 'comfort' meals. That is enough.

It's back to my normal eats now.

...and more buckley's

What's up Doc?

Howdy folks....so, I went to see my doctor today and of course was a little weepy in the office.

Me = Loser

Okay, so of course I'm not, but I felt like one! I didn't plan on doing that of course, but my doc rocks, so whatever. At least it wasn't the ugly cry and at least he knows I'm not lying when I say I've been down lately! I spoke about how I've been feeling and because of my history of depression and binge eating when I do get low, we decided it was probably best to be on some happy pills for the time being - Pristiq 50mg once daily to be exact. This is a new med on the market (in Ontario anyway), that I actually am not familiar with, but side effects are suppose to be minimal, so that's a good thing. Hopefully it's a temp thing, but for now I know it's the right decision for me. Anything to make my 30s different from my 20s people! My 20s were the years I got fat and sad,  my 30s are about reversing all the damage...on the inside and out!

I did speak to him about seeing a shrink as I said I would. It did take a lot for me to ask. Unfortunately, in my neck of the woods, there is a huge wait list to get to see one. Apparently I'm not the only one needing help these days! In a way it's good to know I'm not alone. He is still going to put in a referral for me of course, but in the meantime I think I'm going to seek out a counsellor on my own.  The good news is that work has a program where it's free for me to see one. I just have to make the call. Yet again, it will be hard to do, but it's time to get things sorted out on the inside just as much as the outside!

Speaking of that, I really haven't been rocking the diet thing lately. This is the second week I've just kind of let my eating go. Not good I know, but now that I've seen the doc and have a plan for controlling my mood in the future, I do feel more in control. This of course will help me moving forward. Don't worry ladies and gents, I'll be back to inspiring that bejesus out of you soon!!!!!

Running I've still been doing, but my hips are still sore. I did have the Doc look at them and my ROM (range of motion) is good so he's not really concerned. He just thinks it is muscle related and because.... well......I'm out of shape and still new to this running thing,  it could be I'm still doing too much too soon. Gezzzzzzz, how much more slow can I go?! He recommended doing some cycling which I was thinking about doing anyway. It would help to build up the muscle in my hips. He also recommended  some aqua fit/water running stuff, so I'll give it a shot. The cycling more so than the swimming as getting to a pool is a lot harder than walking down the stairs to my basement were a stationary bike resides!

Anyway, I am starting to feel better folks, and plans and goals are starting to be formulated! You know I love a good goal. Here's to moving forward and here's to a happy and healthy future!

Cheers! :-)

pain in the........

I think the pressure I'm putting on myself to lose this one pound is backfiring on me. I'm too stressed out about it and that's causing me to eat. When you have yummy left overs in the house, this is not a good thing.

Thanksgiving leftovers are evil people!!!! Soooooo good, but sooooooo evil! I really do fear a gain, but I know I've let it happen. I need to really just get back to my mantra of "one day at a time" and stop looking beyond that.

I did get out for my run last night with a friend and her family though. Running buddies rock!  It was a great run, but about an hour later my hips started to hurt, and hurt bad. I took some ibuprofen and put some deep relief on them, but still the pain was making it so I couldn't sleep. Add that to the fact exercise always seems to wake me up so I go to bed later anyway and the fact I had a nap during the day, I didn't fall sleep until 6am! 6 AM PEOPLE!!!!! I was suppose to be at work at 7:00!!!!! Of course, I called into work and said I wasn't coming. I'm not proud of it, but there is no way I can function on no sleep.

I ended up waking up around 12:30pm, and now I'm still just resting in bed. My hips are still really sore. I hate that I get this bilateral hip pain after my runs. It seems to be happening more and more now that my speed is a bit faster - mind you not by much!  I'm going to try using my foam roller again to see if that will help. I'm also wondering whether it's time to buy new shoes. Mine are a few years old, and although I didn't start wearing them regularly until this past March, maybe it's time. Mind you maybe it's just an excuse to buy a new pair! Either way I have to do more to control this hip pain I keep getting. I don't want it to derail my running efforts.

Speaking of running efforts, I signed up for the online 5K training program via the Running Room! I can't attend the in store sessions because of my schedule, so I decided to try out their web program. My hip pain is concerning because now I need to increase my running from 2 times a week (my average) to three! On top of this, my next 5K is on sunday! Ahhhhh, go away pain!!!!!

Better

Okay....so perhaps I over reacted a little on the hip thing yesterday. Perhaps, I had a 'oh my god, I have a headache, it must be a tumor'  moment.  My hips are fine today. lol..... They feel much, much better. I did everything I said I was going to do, and it did help a lot. I should be good to go with my run with my friend on wednesday and then again on sunday when the real run happens. Fingers crossed.

Aside from the hip thing though I've been struggling a little with my emotions lately. I've been sad, happy, hurt, angry and excited all the in span of a couple days. It can be a bit exhausting. The 'issues' aren't huge and nothing too too concerning, but emotions are emotions no matter how big or small the issues are.  The good news is (and the reason I'm telling you this) is that I didn't gravitate to food for comfort this time. I sat with my emotions and although upset and feeling like I needed a hard drink and a bucket of ice cream, I managed to talk myself through these feelings and move on. Sure some things still weigh on my heart, but  I'm determined to not let a little disappointment from a friend cause me to derail my efforts to live my best life.

I think this is why I feel this journey to a better health (and an hourglass figure) just might be different for me this time. I know I've had a blog for years now and have come and gone from it as my weight has gone up and down, but this time things feel different. I have this determination I didn't have before, I have motivation I never had, and I have an attitude that is different. I wish I could explain it better, but I just know I can do it this time. I will reach my goal. I will get healthy. I promise!

I'll leave you with a picture that my Mother sent me tonight. It's the reason this run on sunday is so important to me.  See the dog? See the lady behind (and just slightly to the right) of lady with the dog? That's my Mom!

Up 0.4lbs

July 29 - first gain on program, but at least I can still say I have my 5%!   

Soooooooooo, do you think this could weigh 0.4 pounds?

Yup, that's my sexy self hooked up to a 24 hour holter monitor.  What you don't see is all those leeds connect to a little silver recorder which is in my bra! For those wondering, about a month or so ago I had a couple heart palpitations (lasting less than 10sec), and some light headedness at work. I told my doctor about it when I saw him last and he ordered the holter. I haven't had them since or the dizziness, but of course went through with getting things checked out anyway.

I'm not surprised by the gain this week. Not just because I had to wear this silly thing to my WI, but because I wasn't 100% tracking like I should have been. Plus, remember the lasagna incident? Yeah, that didn't help. This time (which is something kind of new for me) I'm not dwelling on the gain at all. If I did, it would take away from all the non-scale victories I had this week.

Lets look at them shall we.....

• I ran four times this week! FOUR TIMES!!!!  
• I ran in the crazy humidity (40 degrees) once
• I used a treadmill once (something I was also afraid of)
• I ran the fastest 5min ever - pace 6.45min/km 
• I've practiced yoga five times thanks to the yoga challenge
• Even though I wasn't counting I still ate pretty nutritious food ie. watermelon, cucumbers etc...
• I wore a size XL shirt - a bit snug in places, but it was still wearable!
• my belt I have to tighten just a little bit more now

Not too shabby I'd say. Finally I am learning that it's not only about the numbers on the scale! With that being said though, this coming week  is a new week and one that I plan to kick some ass in. I'm going to keep up with the running and the yoga (as they work so well together) and track like a crazy person with hopes to see a big number next WI.

Cheese

Tonight I ate vegetarian lasagna.

This was a bad idea for two reasons. Unlike the Amy's brand I told you about,  this lasagna was.....

1. 1/8 slice for 6 points , but who really measures when scooping out tasty pasta from a huge pan? I sure the hell don't. *sigh*
2. COATED in cheese

I'm lactose intolerant people!!!!!

What was I thinking? Oh right...... I wasn't.....again.

Sure, sure I took my lactose pills before I ate followed by my beano pills (oh joy), but still I am sitting here feeling like a helium balloon that needs to be popped. I'm VERY uncomfortable. I'm sooooo bloated. So much so that the gas pains are radiating up my arm to my shoulder. I know...I'm a freak!

On top of that, the lactose pills I take completely plug me up. So not only am I feeling bloated, but now I'm constipated too. To help with that little issue, I then have to take doses of  senokot to help me go to the little girl's room. This means MORE pills (I've tried prunes etc...peeps, it doesn't work for this gal).

Oh man.... *sigh* ......why oh why, didn't I learn yesterday when I had the first stupid (larger than I hate to admit) portion of this cheese-o-plugness? Yup, you got it.... I have ate this stupid stuff two days in a row. Hey...I did say it was a huge pan! Yesterday the belly cooperated...somewhat.....today...not so much.

Annnnnyyyyyyway...now I have a day and a half to get this bloating and constipation thing under control before weigh-in on thursday. Right now, the scale isn't loving me at all. I feel a disappointing WI coming my way.

Damn you cheese....

YOU ARE SO NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!

update: Yoga Day 4 completed at 4:00pm when I woke up. I just did one video from youtube today as my belly and mind aren't really feeling it.

Saturday update aka lameo title

So I'm still pretty proud of myself for running yesterday. The plan for tomorrow is ( after I sleep during the day) get up and go to the movies with a friend, and then go for a run when I get home. By that time it will be after 8pm so *fingers crossed* it will not be as hellish as my last run.

In other news....I forgot to tell you that I got my blood work results back.  I'm perfectly fine except my iron is a little low, but actually 11 points higher than when I was eating meat! Go figure. I'm not too concerned about it, I'll eat more greens and see how I feel. I am feeling a little less tired lately, but if need be I'll add another vitamin to the mix.  On top of the iron being low, my vitamin D is also low. This isn't an uncommon thing. I figure it's because of my schedule change that happened back in April and now I work way more night shifts than I use to. This  means I'm not getting as much sun. Boo!!!! I was already taking vitamin D 1000U, but stopped before my BW was done b/c I wanted to know my true baseline. Now I'm happy to report I'm back to taking that vitamin everyday.  All other values were fine, except I have to do another pee test. ugh....so annoying that I didn't pee in the cup right the first time. I should know better!
I also booked my holter monitor test. I have it done next week. I doubt it will show anything abnormal, but like I said before, it's better to get it checked out and know I'm fine, than leave it and find out later that I'm not!

Other new news is when I went to my WW meeting last thursday I was able to purchase their new 'monthly' pass. With that pass I I now have free access to etools. I didn't get the pass for the etools (I got it b/c it was cheaper to do it this way), but it's a nice bonus. Prior to this you had to pay extra which I thought was a rip off! For those that don't know, etools lets you track your points online and has a recipe builder and a bunch of other cool stuff. I guess in all honesty it's pretty much like all those other sites out there. When doing WW though, it's nice to have it all connected. I'm still not sure if I'll track online (I sort of still like the 1982 way of writing things down in pencil still), but we'll see...it might grow on me.

Tonight I'm on night shift #5 out of eight.  Eight 12hr night shifts in 10 days is killing me. I truly hope the new schedule I proposed to my bosses goes into effect soon! On the way to work I ended up buying a Venti three pump, light on the ice, non-fat iced chai tea  latte at Starbucks. Not sure how many points it was, but damn I needed it.