Wow!

That's me. I know - Crazy!

That picture was taken of me during the happiest time in my life.

I was in a continent I always wanted to be in (Africa) at the weight I always wanted to get to (roughly 160lbs give or take a few).

That smile is truly genuine.

Sad part is that picture was taken 7 years ago!

Since that time I've packed on the pounds resulting in me looking nothing like that picture anymore. You can refer to the Progress Pictures tab at the top of this blog to see what I look like now. Warning,  it's a really shitty photo of me (cause I now look like shit) so your jaw might drop. Yup, that's what you get when you don't take care of yourself! Ugh....The colleagues I've shown my 7 year old photo to were shocked. They don't even recognize me in that photo. This of course I find sad, but can I blame them? They have never known me skinny. They've only known me as the fat, tall chick. Okay, they might not say it like that, but you get the point.

I found that photo recently and made it my profile picture on facebook. Not because I wanted all those high school acquaintances to think I was still skinny (trust me, they know I'm not), but as motivation for myself.
I'm on facebook a lot. Wish I wasn't (as it's a total time sucker), but I am. Now each time I log on I'll see that picture and be reminded of what I could be (once again)  if I stick to it. It keeps me in check and on track.  It's so much better than putting a picture on my fridge, because that fridge picture I would only see at home. Facebook I check at home and work (shhhhh). I gotta say, so far it's working!

Anyway......Tonight I'm on night shift again *sigh* but I'm doing well with my food. I've had some wonderful berries and plan to track them using 'set points' for the first time. I'm also having some green beans again (oh, how I've missed them) and six pieces (1.5 servings) of  PC Blue Menu Meatless Chicken Fingers. So damn good and a great source of protein!  I like them better than those meatless buffalo wings I tried the other night. This time I dipped them in a  "health check" roasted red pepper dip (25cal/2tbsp) I picked up at Sobeys tonight. The dip tasted awesome with the fingers... and way more healthy than the lovely mayo I use to dip these suckers in before!
Not too shabby I say, not too shabby! :-)

Do I really Want it?

Learning to run has reminded me that if I set my mind to something, I can do it. Through determination, will and drive I can accomplish any goal I set for myself. Nine weeks ago running 5K seemed impossible, but  it was my goal I set for myself and I did it. I plan to do it again today as well. Week 9, run 2,  here I come. So now why the hell is it that when I set a weight loss goal, I can't have the same success? I've reached every goal I've set for myself in recent years. Move out on my own, landing a job that I wanted and love, bought a house on my own, graduated from university etc..etc..., but this damn weight loss goal I just can't seem to tackle.

I tried to 'Dr. Phil' think a bit tonight and ask myself...is being fat working for me? It must be in some regards because I'm not changing. I don't have that drive, determination or will to huncker down and calorie count and loss this freak'in weight once and for all. As I thought more and more I came to realize that perhaps my weight has become my security blanket. If I truly begin to shed the pounds and separate myself from my 'blanket" I'm valnerable  to possibilities that perhaps scare me. I'm not going to get into details, but I'm sure you get what I mean.

I'm confident in many aspects of my life. I'm smart and successful, but when it comes to weight loss, I'm a failure. I feel like I'm not strong enough to getter done. With that being said though, I know I have begun to make positive changes in my life and people are noticing. People have even called me an inspiration. Me! An inspiration. HA! That is shocking! It does feel good though to hear coworkers say they thought of me as they went out for a run and said, if Sonya can do it, so can I. The scale may not say I've lost weight lately, but many had asked if I have. I look in the mirror and I see a smaller self. My stomach is less bloated, my arms don't have as large of "wings" as they use to, and my legs look stronger. Of course I wish my double 'no neck' days were behind me, but here's hoping with my continued running and veggie diet it will come with time.

I'm not going to lie though, I do get frustrated. Here I am running 3 times a week, and eating a vegetarian diet where I've had more veggies in the last 3 months than probably in the last 3 years, but still I'm not losing weight.  I guess that's what you get when you don't buckle down.  I do admit lately I enjoyed french fries and ice cream perhaps too much. These are my two tried and true coping foods, and when our dog died, you can bet I had them A LOT! I wish I could say I've found a new coping strategy to deal with stress/anger/sadness, but I guess I haven't. I know I'm still not ready to calorie count or count points again though so I shouldn't be surprised by the scale results. Afterall, you can't have your cake and eat it too but of course this is where I get frustrated yet again. I say I want to lose this weight, so why the hell do I still make those bad food choices? Gurrrrrrr. When will I learn? When will I finally believe I can do it and that I'm worth it?

Official WI

Zero Pounds lost this week. It's better than 0.5lbs gained that I saw yesterday, but I agree....still not good. I'm trying not to worry about the scale too much. If I do I have days like yesterday (which ended with me having a damn pizza and NOT running). I hate that the scale still has that hold on me. I really thought I was over that, but I guess I'm not. Instead I let it determine my mood which resulted in me making bad choices....AGAIN. Gurrrrr.

Today I wasn't feeling that well.  I was still super tired so I went home early from work. I climbed into bed at 5:30pm and watched TV online for a bit via CastTV.com (LOVE ONLINE TV!). I watched some American Idol, Bones and then finally watched an episode of The biggest Loser. I'm not sure if you caught it, but one of the contestants ran their first 5K in the gym on the lastest episode. Actually he ran 5 Miles! That's 8K people and he's 375lbs! 

Of course this inspired me immediately. I got my fat ass out of bed, put my sweats on, and out the door I was to do week 3 run 3 of the c25k at 8:30pm. All I kept thinking was, if he can do it, I can too dammit! Tonights run was great. I felt like I could run longer than 3 minutes at a time, which is encouraging considering how I felt last time.  I'm not as scared anymore of week 4. I know it's going to be hard, but you guys are right...I need to try. I can do it. After all, if a 375lb man can do it. So can I! 

Tonight I also contacted my friend who is going to do my first 5K with me. He has finally picked our run. To my surprise he picked one in June! June 12th to be exact.  My first reaction was, "are you crazy? I can't do one in June. It's too soon"....but then I thought, that attitude is going to get me no where, so I agreed. AHHHHHHHH. So help me god.....

I guess  I have to remind myself that Operation give a Sh*T is not about finishing a 5K or getting to a goal weight (although yes, I do want to get there) ultimately for me, it's about getting healthy.  So even if I run half of this 5K and walk the rest, I am still accomplishing great things. It isn't a failure if I can't do the entire 5K right off the bat.....but let me tell ya I'm sure the hell going to try! 

I think it is good that I finally have a date to work towards. I need that more than ever right now, so I must say thank you to Michael from the biggest loser for the inspiration he gave me today. You'll never know how much I needed it.