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Two Hundred and thirty three pounds.

That's what I weighed today at my doctors office. I wasn't pleased. That's a 10 pound gain since November 29th. The only thing that keeps me hopeful that I haven't truly gained that much, is that I weigh myself naked usually, and of course at the doctors office I was not. Either way though, it's not good.

I went to the doctors for my annual physical, but also because my mood is still not where it should be. I'm dealing with a lot right now. On one hand,  I think anyone in my situation going through what has been thrown at me would be struggling with the feelings I'm having. 

I'm definitely feeling a lot of feelings lately.

Hurt, anger, rage, sadness, anxiety, fear, disappointment etc...etc..... I feel these all in the span of 5 minutes at times.

It's exhausting. 

One the other hand, I know it's not healthy to cope in the ways I have been lately. Mostly, I've isolated myself in my bedroom, missing work and eating my face off. It hasn't been pretty. Add irritability into the mix and anxiety and tears and it's been awful. Some of my feelings are warranted as people ( one more than others) have hurt me immensely, but others are not. Either way, I know it's not good and I could certainly cope better.

For years I have struggled with depression. Usually it happens in the winter, and although I have never been diagnosed with S.A.D, I kinda wonder. Really, it doesn't matter. Depression regardless of when it strikes sucks ass. The good news is,  I'm not a person who is ashamed by my mental health issues and I have always seeked help right away. For me I feel like,  when a person has a stomach ache, they go to the doctor to have it looked at and get the problem fixed, so why on earth wouldn't I do the same if my brain isn't feeling right? I want to feel better, so I'm doing what I need to do to feel that way. 

The last time I was on anti-depressants was in 2011. Eventually I stopped them and continued to feel better although there has been dips in my mood since. Currently, I'm experiencing a big dip. A dip (or shall I say hole) that I'm having a harder time climbing out of on my own.  I know the medication will not be a magic "happy" pill. It never has been, but I do hope it will help me see and focus on the positives in my life rather than only the negatives. I also hope it will help calm my anxiety, so my reactions to things will improve. Right now I'm flying off the handle a bit too much.

The other day I bit my husband's head off for cooking fish in the house when I was home. Yes, I asked and reminded him nicely three times not to cook it when I'm present as I have a serious issue with fish that are cooked with still their eyes and tails attached, plus I just hate the smell. When he cooked it when I was home,  I felt disrespected. Like he didn't care enough to remember or respect my wishes. Either way, instead of approaching him calmly, the minute I smelled the fish I went from 0-100 and bit his head off - HARD.  I ended up being the one that apologized and not him.  

Anyway, I really hope episodes like that don't happen as often as they are happening now.  I also don't want a life where I have no interest in anything I use to, and only want to lay in bed all day and eat poutine. That is not any way to live. It's not fun. It's also not healthy mentally or physically. 

Now, with all the upsides of medications there are also down sides. For the medication I've been put on, the down side is the risk of weight gain.

UGH.... NOT GOOD.

In the past,  I chose an anti-depressant that had less weight gain risk, but it didn't really work well for me mood wise. This time, I just went with what the doctor suggested. He chose an old tried and true medication which is good for not only depression but anxiety ( but with that comes that darn possible side effect).  Fingers crossed it doesn't make me want to eat all the food in my fridge in one sitting. 

Currently, I have not been on track with my food at all. I was after my last post, but it only lasted about 4 days. I'm now once again back to square one. I plan to restart my challenges when I'm more up for it -- hopefully that's sooner than later. I also need to start following WW consistently, especially because of this new risk.  It's a must along with going to the gym. Everyone knows that exercising helps with weight loss, but also moods as well. 

I know what I need to do. I always have. It's just doing it that's the hard part when you feel this way. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon and I'll find the motivation and determination I need to kick a little ass again.