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Two Hundred and thirty three pounds.

That's what I weighed today at my doctors office. I wasn't pleased. That's a 10 pound gain since November 29th. The only thing that keeps me hopeful that I haven't truly gained that much, is that I weigh myself naked usually, and of course at the doctors office I was not. Either way though, it's not good.

I went to the doctors for my annual physical, but also because my mood is still not where it should be. I'm dealing with a lot right now. On one hand,  I think anyone in my situation going through what has been thrown at me would be struggling with the feelings I'm having. 

I'm definitely feeling a lot of feelings lately.

Hurt, anger, rage, sadness, anxiety, fear, disappointment etc...etc..... I feel these all in the span of 5 minutes at times.

It's exhausting. 

One the other hand, I know it's not healthy to cope in the ways I have been lately. Mostly, I've isolated myself in my bedroom, missing work and eating my face off. It hasn't been pretty. Add irritability into the mix and anxiety and tears and it's been awful. Some of my feelings are warranted as people ( one more than others) have hurt me immensely, but others are not. Either way, I know it's not good and I could certainly cope better.

For years I have struggled with depression. Usually it happens in the winter, and although I have never been diagnosed with S.A.D, I kinda wonder. Really, it doesn't matter. Depression regardless of when it strikes sucks ass. The good news is,  I'm not a person who is ashamed by my mental health issues and I have always seeked help right away. For me I feel like,  when a person has a stomach ache, they go to the doctor to have it looked at and get the problem fixed, so why on earth wouldn't I do the same if my brain isn't feeling right? I want to feel better, so I'm doing what I need to do to feel that way. 

The last time I was on anti-depressants was in 2011. Eventually I stopped them and continued to feel better although there has been dips in my mood since. Currently, I'm experiencing a big dip. A dip (or shall I say hole) that I'm having a harder time climbing out of on my own.  I know the medication will not be a magic "happy" pill. It never has been, but I do hope it will help me see and focus on the positives in my life rather than only the negatives. I also hope it will help calm my anxiety, so my reactions to things will improve. Right now I'm flying off the handle a bit too much.

The other day I bit my husband's head off for cooking fish in the house when I was home. Yes, I asked and reminded him nicely three times not to cook it when I'm present as I have a serious issue with fish that are cooked with still their eyes and tails attached, plus I just hate the smell. When he cooked it when I was home,  I felt disrespected. Like he didn't care enough to remember or respect my wishes. Either way, instead of approaching him calmly, the minute I smelled the fish I went from 0-100 and bit his head off - HARD.  I ended up being the one that apologized and not him.  

Anyway, I really hope episodes like that don't happen as often as they are happening now.  I also don't want a life where I have no interest in anything I use to, and only want to lay in bed all day and eat poutine. That is not any way to live. It's not fun. It's also not healthy mentally or physically. 

Now, with all the upsides of medications there are also down sides. For the medication I've been put on, the down side is the risk of weight gain.

UGH.... NOT GOOD.

In the past,  I chose an anti-depressant that had less weight gain risk, but it didn't really work well for me mood wise. This time, I just went with what the doctor suggested. He chose an old tried and true medication which is good for not only depression but anxiety ( but with that comes that darn possible side effect).  Fingers crossed it doesn't make me want to eat all the food in my fridge in one sitting. 

Currently, I have not been on track with my food at all. I was after my last post, but it only lasted about 4 days. I'm now once again back to square one. I plan to restart my challenges when I'm more up for it -- hopefully that's sooner than later. I also need to start following WW consistently, especially because of this new risk.  It's a must along with going to the gym. Everyone knows that exercising helps with weight loss, but also moods as well. 

I know what I need to do. I always have. It's just doing it that's the hard part when you feel this way. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon and I'll find the motivation and determination I need to kick a little ass again. 

pain in the........

I think the pressure I'm putting on myself to lose this one pound is backfiring on me. I'm too stressed out about it and that's causing me to eat. When you have yummy left overs in the house, this is not a good thing.

Thanksgiving leftovers are evil people!!!! Soooooo good, but sooooooo evil! I really do fear a gain, but I know I've let it happen. I need to really just get back to my mantra of "one day at a time" and stop looking beyond that.

I did get out for my run last night with a friend and her family though. Running buddies rock!  It was a great run, but about an hour later my hips started to hurt, and hurt bad. I took some ibuprofen and put some deep relief on them, but still the pain was making it so I couldn't sleep. Add that to the fact exercise always seems to wake me up so I go to bed later anyway and the fact I had a nap during the day, I didn't fall sleep until 6am! 6 AM PEOPLE!!!!! I was suppose to be at work at 7:00!!!!! Of course, I called into work and said I wasn't coming. I'm not proud of it, but there is no way I can function on no sleep.

I ended up waking up around 12:30pm, and now I'm still just resting in bed. My hips are still really sore. I hate that I get this bilateral hip pain after my runs. It seems to be happening more and more now that my speed is a bit faster - mind you not by much!  I'm going to try using my foam roller again to see if that will help. I'm also wondering whether it's time to buy new shoes. Mine are a few years old, and although I didn't start wearing them regularly until this past March, maybe it's time. Mind you maybe it's just an excuse to buy a new pair! Either way I have to do more to control this hip pain I keep getting. I don't want it to derail my running efforts.

Speaking of running efforts, I signed up for the online 5K training program via the Running Room! I can't attend the in store sessions because of my schedule, so I decided to try out their web program. My hip pain is concerning because now I need to increase my running from 2 times a week (my average) to three! On top of this, my next 5K is on sunday! Ahhhhh, go away pain!!!!!

Versatile

Man...my car was hit again!!! GURRRRRRRRRRRRR.... *sigh* A few months ago my car was hit while parked on the side of the road, and tonight on my way to work it was hit again!!!!! Some dude decided to come into my lane without looking first and smacked me! Yes, of course I'm thankful I'm fine and blah, blah. blah (no, truly I am thankful), but really this is starting to be a major pain in my ass! So. Not. Cool!!!!!  Can't people just check their damn blind spots for flipping sakes! I haven't even called in the first claim yet as the person wanted to work it out between us, but now she says she doesn't have the money and now has to go through insurance. Great. Now I have two claims to put in! Thankfully both accidents were not my fault, but still....ugh....

Of course I have been a tad stressed out and anxious about this all. If I wasn't working I'd probaby be tempted to sit on the couch with a drink in my hand and vent to my best friend. Either that or I'd down some really shitty food and mope. As I'm at work, I can't down some booze, and because I'm determined to lose this damn weight I haven't  filled my face either. This took self control tonight as there being some really great looking chocolate chip cookies sitting in our nutrition centre right now! Instead I've decided to remember my goals and therefore have been left to sit with my thoughts and my anxiety and learn to deal with it. It sucks, I feel crusty, I feel tense, but I'm proud of myself.

Although I haven't truly found a new way to cope with stress (as talking to coworkers about it didn't really seem to help a lot), I'm still happy I didn't gravitate to my old behaviours and say fuck it to the weight loss plan and down those cookies and anything else I could eat that would help to nub the anxiety. Instead I'm listening to some music and trying to calm myself with writing. Is it working????? Got to say, I'm not sure yet. I think once I call my insurance, get an appointment to fix my car etc...etc....I'll feel better. For now, I'm just feeling crappy.

In other more happy news, as I said in a previous post this blog was nominated for the Virsatile award. Thanks again Misssaralou!!!!

So with this award, comes rules...

1. Thank the person giving the award - done!
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.
4. Let your nominees know about the award.

So here goes... 7 things....hum....
 
1. I'm going to be an Aunt to a wonderfully gorgeous baby girl that is due in september
2. I love my feet. For a tall plus size girl...I think they are pretty damn cute.
3. My hair will always change colour. It's very rare for me to go to the hair dresser and get it done the same colour more than twice.
4. I have a nose ring
5. I thought about getting a tattoo, but even at 31 I fear disappointing my father...he HATES them, so have never and probably will never get one.
6. I got 99% on expert singing on rockband. Oh yes...I totally missed my calling ;-)
7. I recently got 'fake' nails. Not because I wanted them long, but because I was feeling pretty butchy lately and wanted to girl it up a bit. :-) 
 
Blogs....15 is a lot! so if you are reading this...you've been hit! Congrats!!! :-) Hey...what can I say, I suck at following rules!