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Two Hundred and thirty three pounds.

That's what I weighed today at my doctors office. I wasn't pleased. That's a 10 pound gain since November 29th. The only thing that keeps me hopeful that I haven't truly gained that much, is that I weigh myself naked usually, and of course at the doctors office I was not. Either way though, it's not good.

I went to the doctors for my annual physical, but also because my mood is still not where it should be. I'm dealing with a lot right now. On one hand,  I think anyone in my situation going through what has been thrown at me would be struggling with the feelings I'm having. 

I'm definitely feeling a lot of feelings lately.

Hurt, anger, rage, sadness, anxiety, fear, disappointment etc...etc..... I feel these all in the span of 5 minutes at times.

It's exhausting. 

One the other hand, I know it's not healthy to cope in the ways I have been lately. Mostly, I've isolated myself in my bedroom, missing work and eating my face off. It hasn't been pretty. Add irritability into the mix and anxiety and tears and it's been awful. Some of my feelings are warranted as people ( one more than others) have hurt me immensely, but others are not. Either way, I know it's not good and I could certainly cope better.

For years I have struggled with depression. Usually it happens in the winter, and although I have never been diagnosed with S.A.D, I kinda wonder. Really, it doesn't matter. Depression regardless of when it strikes sucks ass. The good news is,  I'm not a person who is ashamed by my mental health issues and I have always seeked help right away. For me I feel like,  when a person has a stomach ache, they go to the doctor to have it looked at and get the problem fixed, so why on earth wouldn't I do the same if my brain isn't feeling right? I want to feel better, so I'm doing what I need to do to feel that way. 

The last time I was on anti-depressants was in 2011. Eventually I stopped them and continued to feel better although there has been dips in my mood since. Currently, I'm experiencing a big dip. A dip (or shall I say hole) that I'm having a harder time climbing out of on my own.  I know the medication will not be a magic "happy" pill. It never has been, but I do hope it will help me see and focus on the positives in my life rather than only the negatives. I also hope it will help calm my anxiety, so my reactions to things will improve. Right now I'm flying off the handle a bit too much.

The other day I bit my husband's head off for cooking fish in the house when I was home. Yes, I asked and reminded him nicely three times not to cook it when I'm present as I have a serious issue with fish that are cooked with still their eyes and tails attached, plus I just hate the smell. When he cooked it when I was home,  I felt disrespected. Like he didn't care enough to remember or respect my wishes. Either way, instead of approaching him calmly, the minute I smelled the fish I went from 0-100 and bit his head off - HARD.  I ended up being the one that apologized and not him.  

Anyway, I really hope episodes like that don't happen as often as they are happening now.  I also don't want a life where I have no interest in anything I use to, and only want to lay in bed all day and eat poutine. That is not any way to live. It's not fun. It's also not healthy mentally or physically. 

Now, with all the upsides of medications there are also down sides. For the medication I've been put on, the down side is the risk of weight gain.

UGH.... NOT GOOD.

In the past,  I chose an anti-depressant that had less weight gain risk, but it didn't really work well for me mood wise. This time, I just went with what the doctor suggested. He chose an old tried and true medication which is good for not only depression but anxiety ( but with that comes that darn possible side effect).  Fingers crossed it doesn't make me want to eat all the food in my fridge in one sitting. 

Currently, I have not been on track with my food at all. I was after my last post, but it only lasted about 4 days. I'm now once again back to square one. I plan to restart my challenges when I'm more up for it -- hopefully that's sooner than later. I also need to start following WW consistently, especially because of this new risk.  It's a must along with going to the gym. Everyone knows that exercising helps with weight loss, but also moods as well. 

I know what I need to do. I always have. It's just doing it that's the hard part when you feel this way. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon and I'll find the motivation and determination I need to kick a little ass again. 

Trouble in paradise -- cat addition

Hubby and I had a fight this morning. It's always about the same thing. My cats. He has never been very fond of them. He told me many moons ago all he needed was time to get use to them, but rather than warming up to them, he's just learned to hate them more and more. It kinda breaks my heart. The main issue is my sweet Emily's pooping and the smell that comes from that.  I've had her for 10 years and she has never used her litter box for #2 consistently if at all. Now If she does use it she never covers her poop. Yes, it's gross and can smell, and I wish she didn't do it, but I have always just picked up after her and moved on. She always poops near her litter box if not inside it. That was until yesterday.  Yesterday she pooped on the floor of our bathroom. Hubby was less then impressed and let me know which of course got me upset. When I'm upset I usually cope with food. I'm really trying not to. Especially since I did a preWI this morning and was less than impressed by what I saw on the scale (despite tracking all week). I'm hoping come Sunday it will be better. 

I blame the "pooping on our bathroom floor" event on the fact I recently changed her food. She has never done that before, but now I have this fear she will again. I so badly want her issues to stop as I find when she does have an accident, hubby has a meltdown about it. This in turn causes issues in our relationship. It's so darn hard and very stressful. I love him, but I also love her and I don't want to get rid of her. I don't know what to do. 

Recently I changed her litter to "training" litter. I have seen improvements, but as I said even though she is pooping more often in the box she doesn't cover it. To help with this, I bought an automatic litter box. That box is great at helping me keep it clean etc... And when she uses it, it does scoop out her poop well. I also have a second regular litter box, as in the beginning I feared she wouldn't like the new box. I also just have always had two as I have two cats. They both still use this box as well and I try to clean it out daily. I have an automatic air freshener in the room. I even have an air purifier and I vaccume way more than I use to when I was single. I mean really... I feel like I'm doing everything I can, yet if Emily poops it all doesn't matter. The smell is there and hubby freaks. I wish he would relax about the issue. Chill out a bit. Respect my love for them enough to not start a fight, but I don't think he can. I seriously wish I could hypnotize him and make him love my cats or at lest make him think poop smells like roses. Ugh.... I just feel so down about the situation. I can't handle any more fights. 

Right now I feel like eating fries and ice cream or anything else comforting. I also feel like doing absolutely nothing. My mood is low and add that to the fact my right hip is still tight as hell I just feel crappy. I decided to cancel a date with friends, but I do hope I can get out to buy some healthy groceries (and resist my current cravings) and go for a walk or something a little later. Maybe it will help clear my head.