Day 4 - Insight

I'm a control freak. Funny how I should say that when I've been so out of control when it comes to my food, but it's true. I = control freak.

Perhaps this is why I'm so stressed out with life lately (and have been eating to cope). I can't control aspects of my life and it's causing me more anxiety than I'd like to admit. I can't control family members conflicts, I can't control work and the changes that will come. I can't even control a new relationship and where it will go.

I'm so afraid that the stress and the anxiety will get worse rather than better in the future, and I'm so afraid I'll fall off the wagon again. I didn't binge on those butter tarts last night (other than that one that somehow entered my mouth), and I'm proud of that, but it wasn't easy. Stupid food and the pull it can have on me.

Anyway, perhaps I need to look at this differently. Perhaps I started thinking about dieting again because I can control the food that goes into my mouth unlike other things in my life right now.  Perhaps dieting right now is exactly what I need to get me through this crazy time. Perhaps it's the help I've been looking for.

* Switching back to days (for my days off) *

Breakfast

Day 3 - Silly Tarts

Well... I'm not perfect. I'm tired and my boss brought down a plate of butter tarts. Of all things people. One of my favourite foods! As you might have guessed I totally caved and had one. Here's hoping I can resist having more (there are still 4 on the plate saying eat me eat me),  along with resisting the coffee cake that also came along with the tarts.

I have to learn though. There are going to be many foods that I come up against that I can't have. Well.... lets not say can't shall we. There are no 'bad' foods. Just bad portions right?! But you know what I mean. I do have what I call red light foods that really I should stay away from. French fries being one of them!  They always seem to send me into a tail spin.

So here's to resisting those butter tarts and coffee cake and chowing down on the veggies and raspberries I brought with me instead. I can do this... afterall, losing weight is more important to me than a quick fix of tart.

* working nights*

Breakfast @ 4:45pm

• 2 eggs over hard
• tiny bit of cheese and S&P  (to put on eggs)
• 2 pc of bread with margarine  (to make egg sandwich)

Snack @ 5:30pm (as I was still hungry - not good I know )

• 1 pc. of bread with peanut butter and jam

Drink @ 6:15pm (on the way to work)

• Tim Horton's Steeped Tea - 2 sweetener, 3 milk

2nd Snack @ 8:00pm

• evil butter tart
• water

3rd Snack @ 10:00pm

• 12 oz of raspberries with splenda
• water
• veggies and ranch dip

Dinner @ 1:30am

• Yves Brand meatless meatballs x4
• Blue Menu - rice/soy bean concoction

Snack @ 5:00am

• Cheerios and milk

Day 2

I'm working nights tonight. I always find when I transition from days to nights hard food wise. I never know when to eat, how much to eat and what I'll feel like eating at 4am.  It's hard.

I weighed myself today. I'm 251 pounds. Not happy about it, but the good news is I'm exactly the same weight I was in June!  At least I didn't gain anymore between then and now, right? So that is something to be pleased about.

Here's my menu so far....

Breakfast @ 10am

• 2pc toast with PB and banana
• 1 cup bolthouse chai vitamin drink

Lunch @ 5pm (I had a nap between 10am and 5pm)

• Subway - new veggie patty sub on flatbread - footlong (hoping it will hold me for awhile).
• Nestea Zero

Drink Snack @ 6:30pm

• Grande iced tazo chai from Starbucks (light ice and lactose free milk)  - felt guilty after drinking it :(

Snack @ 11:15pm

• Fresh raspberries - 12oz with splenda
• Mixed veggies c/ ranch dip  
• Several cups of water

Dinner @ 4:15am

• Green beans and Quinoa with margarine and S&P
• Soup - Gardennay market vegetable blend 

Snack #2 @ 8:30am

• Bowl of honey nut cheerios with milk

Day 1 , Attempt number 495 291 098

Today I feel this new found sense of control. I'm finally ready to care again and lose some weight that I've gained this year. Lets face it, 2011 has not been a good one for me. It's been rough and although there is drama in my life still (that I'd wish would go away), I'm ready to yell ENOUGH when it comes to how I've been handling it. Ultimately, I'm only hurting myself with my bad coping skills of filling my face with junk!

Since I stopped running and eating healthy this year, I've been feeling VERY sluggish. It's really bad. I'm 32 years old, and some days I feel like I'm 80. I know some of this has to do with my mood and diagnosis of depression and feeling low and wanting to hide my head in the sand (r/t drama and stress), but I'm not helping matters by picking the wrong foods to help fuel my body.  I haven't exactly been putting in premium gas after all, and because of that, my mood has suffered.

So as one crazy fitness gal once said, I need to "stop the insanity" and take control of my life again.
Right now (as I said yesterday),  I plan to just write down the food I've ate. I'm measuring some foods and not for others. I will get better as time goes on, but trust me, even this change right now of measuring some foods is HUGE for me.  You may feel I'm eating too much when you read my menu and perhaps I will be for a little bit, but once again, as I go forward I hoping that will change too.

I will update this section as the day goes on, so here goes.....

Breakfast

• 2 eggs over hard with S&P
• 2 pc. wonder bread (invisible whole grain) with peanut butter and banana

Lunch

• Corn with margarine and S&P
• 1/2 cup Quinoa
• 4 Yves brand meatless meatballs with diana sauce
• 1 cup Skim Milk
• 1 cup Bolthouse Farms - Vanilla Chai Tea 

Dinner

• Spaghetti (whole grain pasta, veggie ground round, and pasta sauce)
• 2 pc. bread (same as above) with margarine

Snack

• banana
• 6 crackers with pieces of cheese
• several glasses of water!
• green beans with margarine and S&P

Exercise

• I wrote one of my girlfriends setting a plan to start swimming twice a week starting in November.
• walked around the block = 30 minutes