My newest motivation.

It's been awhile. A very long time actually. As always though,  I'm still struggling with my weight.

Today I started a program by Isagenix and I'm bound and determined this time to lose as much weight as I can.

The reasons are different this time.

DH and I were recently told in order to have a baby we need to do IVF.

In the year since I've posted a lot has happened. My last post in May 2015, DH and I had just started trying to conceive (TTC) our first child. I was excited and happy to finally be ready to try. Sure I feared it might take some time due to my age, but to be honest I expected it wouldn't. Women in my family seem to be very fertile and I was expecting I was the same.

Last July I did find out I was pregnant. I was over the moon happy. I signed up for everything possible for future baby the day I found out, but a week later I miscarried at 5w. It was devastating. I then got pregnant two months later, but sadly I lost that baby too. I made it to 11w that time although I didn't find out baby had passed until my 12w ultrasound. It was a total shock. I had no bleeding or cramping like the first time.  NOTHING!!!  It was like a cruel joke. I was equally as devastated, but somehow managed to cope better than my first despite having to have a D&C.   Since November when I lost my last babe, we've seen a fertility specialist and got bad news after bad news about both DH and my fertility. DH and I are still shaking our heads at the fact we got pregnant twice so easily and now we're told IVF-ICSI is our only option.  I mean, were our last two pregnancies miracles? Sure they didn't work out, but still. How was it possible to get pregnant twice so fast, and now you tell us what? It all just fucking sucks. Sorry for swearing, but it does. A part of me (along with DH) still hopes that we might get lucky on our own again, but by the sounds of it, that is unlikely. There are miracles that happen though, so I have to hold onto hope. We still have a few months to go until we jump into IVF.

Of course I have gained weight since my last pregnancy and loss (emotional eating at it's finest) and now I'm almost at the top weight that I ever have been. I feel very unattractive and super fat.  I hate my reflection in the mirror these days, and I hate what I feel like. Regardless of all that though, I'm not trying to lose weight to feel better about myself.  I'm also not doing it  for vanity sake anymore. This time, I'm doing it for one reason and one reason only. To have a baby. That's it. That's the entire reason. I'm doing it as I need to lose weight to give myself a better chance of success at IVF. The cards are already stacked against us, and if I can try to eliminate one barrier for success I'll give it everything I got!!

Regardless of my new found motivation, I know it's going to be bloody hard. At the most emotional and stressful time in my life, I'm removing my one and only vise -- Food. I miss it already.

If you're reading this, please send me a shout out. I'm going to need all the support I can get. It's been a tough year, and I know it's most likely going to get tougher. I have to keep praying and hoping that by treating my body and soul like a temple, in the end I'll get exactly what I want. Fingers crossed (and toes too).